Notes from Tommie

It has been said and I say it again, “I have a dream…”

There is nothing in this world that one could take for granted, that is to except change. I dream of a world where love is the emotion that demonstrates the feelings of all. I dream of a world where faith is absolute regardless or religion or lack thereof. I dream of a world where one can be honest with all those around them without fear of abandonment, suffering, and pain. I dream of a world where I can finally rest.

Each day passes and this body deteriorates more and more. At first impression most place my age at near a decade over what I have actually lived. Is this a product of the life I have lived or is this the result of genes? Is my demeanor that of one aged and wise and if so does my spirit retain that sense of youth that I know should still be present somewhere deep within?

Death and rebirth. Light and dark. To put it simply, facts of life which some or all of us may or may not go through during this relative short stay on what we call earth. Constantly one, at least in my position, must ask not only why I was placed down in this realm but also why my soul was sent back after crossing the void into the hereafter. Fate and karma, luck and destiny.

To many as the body begins to decay our presence here is lost, to many more it signifies the soul passing on to the next realm or the next life. To those like me; well, that part has not yet been discovered. Sometimes it feels as though the life I was meant to live the moment my heart stopped beating. No longer do I have claim over the path but only the pace. Is this soul, this life, the one I was given or am I but a servant, no more than a dog, following the calling of my master?

To state that most people have no understanding of the true world that carries on around them, in my reality, is not a question but a statement of fact. Though it has many times been said the reality I lead is quite different than the reality of so many others around me. At this the question must be asked whose place is it to judge. Surely it is not the place of any mere mortal to judge, not when we as a people cannot fully agree on any one mindset or moral guidance.

For all of recorded history we, as a race, have disputed over personal gain as well as anything else that sounds like a reasonable excuse at the time. It is in our nature to not only destroy that which we dislike, but even more so that which we truly care about. Long has this been known and yet somehow we say it is wrong, we disapprove of those who live out their lives according to instinct and dismiss those who have any sense of higher calling as psychotic.

Where once stood shaman and druid, later became priest and monk, now we replace with any fleeting cultist movement that seems reasonable at the time. So quickly the ideals and faith of ye old times are dismissed despite the rich history, and significantly longer existence, of these beliefs that came before our time. Mankind has a natural inclination towards the mob mentality. So long as things go according to the plan or what is commonly believed none shall speak ill even if they know in their hearts for it to be wrong.

There once was a time when one could stand next to another as an equal, a true sense of family and of the pack to be shared. We are animals. Make no self indulgences of anything otherwise. This fact is written in our very genetic structure and in the history that we ourselves have recorded. Time and time again this world has collapsed only to be rebuilt in the image of a new empire, and new thought process.

So yes, I have a dream. I dream of a day when we wake up from this dream of self indulgence and the lies that help us to sleep at night. I dream of a world where one can be accepted for who and what they truly are. I dream of a day where love reaches true potential and the chaos that burns within the heart of all men finds its proper place in the balance of the world.

I have this dream, but to reach that dream soon I will be in sleep eternal. To see the light one must accept darkness eternal, for it is only in this acceptance that our hearts and minds can open themselves to the light that dwells within. Soon, my loves, soon this eternal slumber shall be mine own and I pray that those of you with a heart to care will find your peace as I know mine quickly approaches.

Not more then a few days ago this nation took an especially great leap away from what this country once stood for – freedom. When politicians choose the twelve over the 88, overrule 32 states, and force a government product on an unwilling people it can no longer be called freedom. America was founded on the prospect of dedication to the will of the people; however, said will seems to matter no longer. It has been shown that the will of the few outweighs the movement of the many.

Our inherent freedom of speech no longer exists when public protest, indeed any outcry against injustice, is attacked by self-proclaimed legal enforcers. This is not law. It does not even follow our constitution. A presidency, without citizenship, totalitarian leadership, legislation against the people, complete lack of bipartisanship, among so many other actions that have and will continue to change the face of this country.

When I swore my oath of defense it was to the constitution, to the people, and to the will of that people. yes, it was also part of that oath to follow commands from those appointed over me; however, I will never take an order against those i have sworn to defend to include “the American way of life.” No longer is this America – no longer home of the brave and land of the free. Each day that passes tells me more and more that inaction cannot be tolerated and should not be stood for…

So I think that I have found seome of the biggest things that aggravate me about the Army. The first would have to be incompetent leaderships and/or over confident leadership. So you’re a higher rank then me, way to go! You still can’t read basic documentation on how to properly execute the duties that your position fully entails. I don’t know everything about being an instructor operator; however, I can say without any doubt that not a single soldier will be recommended to fly, by me, unless I have faith that they can perform their duties safely and with confidence.

My platoon seargent seems to think that simply because he is a higher rank then me he cannot be wrong. It’s quite irritating. Not to mention that most of his rank was attained as an infantrymen and not an actual UAV operator. He simply overlooksthe fact that I am doing most of the paperwork and actually tracking the hours. When an O6 asks a question and I’m the one answering there might just be a reason to listen to what I have to say.

That brings me to my second most irritating thing about the Army: incompetent and/or over confident lower enlisted. A certain PFC in my platoon is convinced that he is ready for a check ride to be progressed; however, not more than two days ago he was completely confused with the first few steps in the checklist. If he can’t even understand a checklist by himself how can I safely trust him with an aircraft when nobody is around to double check him. Said PFC still has the nerve to ask why he isn’t ready – and yet again the platoon seargent steps in saying not to worry about what I have to say.

Both individuals are the perfect examples of why our military, at least the Army, is so jacked up. Ranking system not based on experience on your job but “basic soldiering” tasks which predominately consist of infantry knowledge, conceit and unwarranted confidence, and inability to listen to outside sources. Then leaders wonde why unit morale crashes and burns. It’s rediculous.

But that’s just my rant, Tommie
(a.k.a. Pup)

So here I am less than a year and a half from when my term should rightfully come to it’s end, the closing to yet another chapter in this story of my life. Friends, family, and coworkers are all telling me to just wait it out and that everything will be fine; however, as each day passes I am considering more and more the ability to get an honarable discharge early.

The way it seems I am stuck in a mediocre position with basically no possibility for advancement due to my inability to stay in because of certain personal issues. It is true that I was raised with the mentality to never quit; however, I was also taught to never settle. Settling is what the Army feels like to me ~ the ability to succeed and actually accomplish something more has seemingly been taken from my options only to settle for just getting by.

With no chance of advancement but a relatively high chance of being extended to a full term (I don’t care about current policy, alot can change in the course o a year) to Afghanistan I am struggling to see any benefit to being stuck in a repetitive life of mediocracy. If you are going to do something aim for the best you can achieve.

In the end there are very few friends and even fewer coworkers that I actually trust enough to discuss these issues but it all leads to the same result: change. It is the only constant in life and sometimes has a greater effect then at other times. In any case I’m praying that everything will turn out the way that He would have me lead this life. It is, afterall, by his grace that I am still here to share my thoughts and beliefs with the world.

At the end of each day the only thing that can be known for sure – I am who I am based on several factors: nature, nurture, and by His will. No matter what may happen, no matter who accepts or rejects me, for better or for worse I will do what I feel is right. Our feelings are what guide us and are His messages to let us know how we are doing. Joy for doing right, sorrow for causing pain or not accepting his will, guilt for going against his will… So many human emotions that guide us each and every day, who am I to deny His messages to me?

With much love and thought, Tommie
(a.k.a. Pup)

So here I am at a little after 22:00 and just got home… We were going to have crawfish today; however, that just wasn’t meant to be because the place that was supposed to have actually good crawfish this time of year ran out – along with everywhere else that normally would have any at all. So normally  I would be upset about that because I’ve been craving some good old crawfish boil for a good time now but I’m actually not feeling too bad considering everything that’s happened in the last couple of days.

On the vehicle, my mom and I are leavng in the morning for my uncle’s down in the houston area to hopefully find something within my price range (though as of right now my insurance company STILL hasn’t given me what they said they would and after calling a second time the price is lower than what they initially had totalled) but even this doesn’t aggravate me really. If I didn’t know any better I would swear I’d taken some kind of drug or had just enough to get tipsy but know I haven’t touched any substance to cause such a feeling.

Alls I can say for certainty is that at this precise moment in time I can actually find contentment in where He has put me. Though there really isn’t happiness there is still a reason to smile – sometimes it’s better to just step back and look at what you do have. Something people have been telling me for years now that I think I’m just now starting to actually realize. Who knows, it might actually help me in the long run to get through the rough times ahead. Despite all the things that went wrong today there was one thing that went right – it was a reason to smile…

I can’t say what it is or how it happens but every now and then under certain circumstances I can just smile. The entire world around us doesn’t matter and all of those negative things in life just seem to fade away – for just those few moments I can let go of everything that normally bogs me down and just be me, be a person that can just sit there in silence and smile.

It’s up to each and every one of us to find that place that we can go and to fight for it – right now I’m making my stand on what I think can make me smile regardless of the good or bad by doing the one thing that I am absolutely horrible at: being patient. For better or worse, for good and bad I’ll be here – I’ll always be Tommie. That ear to listen, shoulder to cry on, and arms to hold. I will be strong and have faith because it’s in Him that I have gotten this far and through the thick and thin of it He will lead me to where I belong.

Regardless of the outcome life isn’t where you end up but rather the journey you took to get there. Life is about the decisions we make day in and day out concerning not only ourselves, or even those that we care most deeply about, but also those that we don’t even know. So be honest. Be honest with yourself and to all those around you. If you have something that’s hurting or joy that is so overflowing it needs to burst out let it – share it with the world.

Just be you, we are all on the highway of life but each and every one of us decides when to turn off and take a little detour. For some of us that detour may be a little bit bumpy while for others it can be relatively smooth sailing the entire way it’s YOUR decision on which roads you’ll take and when you will get back on the highway and keep living life the way He wants you to. There’s happiness out there for us all – it’s our own decisions, wether selfless or selfish, that guide us there.

Be brave, be true, be proud of the you that is truly you, never change for anyone else but for what you want to change in yourself, be happy, be sad, but always know that there’s someone there for you. We can often look over the things right in front of us – even when we know it’s there sometimes we’re scared to take that leap. By heavens angels we are protected from scraping our feet against the stone: so take a step back, breathe, and trust. In the end things will turn out ok – it’s up to us and the free will He gave us to take ok and make it something more… and right now I’m here for you…

So here it’s been a while since the last time I posted partially due to the fact that I’ve been very busy and partially due to the fact that I’ve had alot of confusion on when my blog would be up and when it would be changing the host; that said there are quite a few things that my readers should be updated on.

First and foremost I am finally back at Fort Polk (Puke) until our next deployment which as of last I heard will be to Afghanistan though off the top of my head I can’t remember when. A large portion of my unit did make it back in time to celebrate New Years with our familites, though not all of us.

I’ve already gone and bought, and totalled, my first car completely under my name unlike some of my family members who have gone through several with few or none under their actual name on the title. It was a very nice and shiny black 2007 Honda Civic LX – a really wonderful car; however, deer being the skittish things they are caused me to collide with one such creature, then a ditch, then fly through the air and thus totalling the thing.

Also, I’ve already gone through two different girlfriends since I got back from deployment. The first I was attracted to because of certain religious preferences that set both of us apart from most common folk in these parts, and our personalities really did go well together. The second can make me smile just by being next to her – even when tears are pouring down my face from the truth: simple fact is that sometimes the truth hurts; however, I do have faith that I’ll still get my chance if I’m patient and let things go the way He wants them to go concerning her.

Back to the issue of a vehicle on hand, currently I’m driving around a Chevy HHR as a rental until the 16th and have come to the conclusion tha my replacement really shouldn’t be another car. So instead of something small and sporty I’ve been looking at something more like a Toyota Tacoma or a Ford Ranger – regular cab or half cab. For those of you who know me and my driving that’s probably a scary thought but it would make me be alot more safe about what I do and don’t do on the road.

Completely aside from that I’ve spent a small fortune trying to update my Class A (dress uniform) up to snuff since getting back into garrison. All in all I think I’m up to seven different ribbons, pending orders, and got two promotions during the deployment – on top of having to pay for all that I also had to get my combat stripe and new dress shoes because my old ones were skuffed up in the process of going from Huachuca, AZ to Fort Polk, LA.

Something else to note is that I actually went to go talk to a pro councelor, however you spell it, today. For a few of you that can be understood as a good thing whereas most of you probably have no idea why I would need to – suffice to say that I have yet another appointment next week… Depending on what he and I come to on a conclusion it may turn into something official but as of right now it’s still completely off the record and confidential as to what our conversations are…

Which brings me to what really pisses me off, apparently crashing your car and going to talk to somebody means that when you’re required to take a suicide prevention class (my whole unit had to take it) that means you get singled out to make sure you read all the “right” answers… Of course at the time there were only four of us in the room but grrr that ticked me off. Like any one of those three have any room to judge me on ANYTHING that I would ever do.

Maybe this is why I need to actually get on and post more often so I’ll just wrap it up with that big piece of information. I’m sure more will be to follow within the week and to all those other service members for our country I got just one word: HOOAH! It’s an army thing…

So right now I’m sitting in the Dallas/Fort Worth USO computer lab with little less than an hour before my final flight for the day, and hopefully for a good long time yet. After this flight I will have spent the last 20 hours, more or less, in constant flight with relatively few breaks inbetween. That isn’t even to mention before I got to Kuwait!

On my way to Iraq I made my first stop in Germany, but on the way coming back for R&R I made my first stop in Ireland. It was very sad indeed. In Ireland and not allowed to drink any whiskey or beer, but dang it to all these laws and etc. If only there weren’t all these restrictions on people I swear the world would be a more friendly place to live in.

Alas, when I got back to Tx I knew there would be people waiting to greet us home (Tx people naturally love military people I think) but boy was I surprised. Not only were there people waiting right out of the gate, but then when we tried to go out to our next gate to check our luggage there was this huge line of supporters – everything from little girls and boyscouts up to veterans of the past.

Makes me proud to serve seeing people like that who actually support us no matter what. That brings me to thank not only my soldier angels but every individual that dedicates their time to that program and the many like it. THANK YOU! Like it or not being a soldier, airmen, seamen, or marine is a job that we do get paid for; however, it still means alot that citizens recognize the troubles that come with it.

For those of you who have a service member overseas, or even away for TDY or training, I thank you for what you do for us and how you help our country to be strong in the face of ever-growing chaos. With the global economy spiralling downward and the war ot terror still a major front it is people like you – people that love and care about who they are and understand what it means to be american – that America still stands.

Thank you all so much, Tommie Lee Roberts (a.k.a. Pup)

First and foremost I’d like to give all of my readers a few good updates, as well as a few not so positive updates and/or rumors that have been circulating on this side of deployment.

1) At this point I should be home in little more than a weeks time, depending on when I actually get my flight out of here and how long I spend stuck in Kuwait.
1a) That means that I should be home through turkey day!
1b) We will probably celebrate christmas while I’m home too. 

2) My team leader told me just a day or two ago that I have been awarded with my promotion waiver that I’ve been waiting to hear news on for a while now. While I won’t be coming home a specialist, my promotion date is set for Dec. 1st – not bad for less than two years service. E-4

3) A couple days ago I finally got into contact with a young woman who just so happened to be the first love of my young life. So far as I know, and unless something changes that I’m currently unaware of, we’re planning on going to a renaissance festival during my R&R. Already working on what I’m going to wear!

4) My “corrective training” is finally done! Long story short I was late for internet guard duty so I got a week of training consisting of showing up to work a half-hour early with no off days or breaks, and general cleaning and other military nonsensical things.

5) Official mail cutoff date has been moved to Dec. 1st, after which we will no longer be receiving or sending any mail or such. Will still have internet access, just no mail or packages. If you can’t get something out here by that time, or can’t get it to me while I’m home, than it would be better to mail it to my home address if it is important.

6) RUMOR INSERT HERE: So the rumor goes that we MIGHT get back as soon as late december early january; however, I am still anticipating late january early february and there are some that are expecting as late as may with the new presidency. (which reminds me to congratulate any readers who supported Obama in the elections, and good luck to the republicans and the rest of us in-between for the next four years)

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Now for the religious half of this post-

Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female.”

So it was that the Lord our God created us in His image, and in His image we were created to be masters over all things of the earth and sea. Our daughters were so beautiful that even the Nephilim, or fallen ones, found envy in them. From birth it seems that we are taught to have faith in Him and His plan; however, I say to you know that we are the most beloved of all creations and it is solely in us that the gift of free-will was given. In Genesis we are told that “nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.” While I hold firmly to most christian views I also believe that we, each and every one, are all divine beings brought into creation from and of the Spirit and His endless love. We are all a part of His greater power, His perfection, His intelligence, His wisdom, His joy, His love, and to a lesser degree we all are bestowed with His gifts over this realm that we call home.

The Lord our Father is master of us all but he named us as masters of the earth. If as one people we can truly accomplish anything than why shouldn’t we aim to bring an age of joy and peace to the world around us. All too often we look at and focus things that have gone wrong but I tell you now to embrace the arms of love; turn away from anger, hate, and fear. That which you embrace will be brought to you in ever greater numbers. Whatsoever you ask for in prayer have absolute faith and your prayers shall be heard – there is no room for doubt when it comes to faith.

For the most part of my nineteen years people have asked me how I could be so carefree and not worry about the future or taking care of my most basic needs, though I always knew the answer I never could give that answer a voice; however, today I tell you that it is absolute faith that rewards absolutely. It is a never ending resolve and absolute faith that has taken care of me and continues to care for me still – believing in Him to supply my needs and give me strength when emotional or physical weakness causes me to stumble.

The important thing to remember is that even when you KNOW you’re going to be taken care of you will never know exactly how and sometimes you will end up finding the answer somewhere you never would have thought of, or even sitting right atop your desk. The other day when I got an e-mail from Lauren I was reminded of just how powerful prayer and believing can be: in all honesty I had and continue to pray for someone that can understand me and embrace me for who I am, and after about three years of not having a real conversation or any real contact at all we talked on the phone for an hour and a half just catching up. HOPE and FAITH are the human conditions: without these man cannot survive, indeed, he has no purpose or will to survive.

Believe not in a better tomorrow for that is only making an excuse before-hand and drawing ever more negative things into your lives, the time to believe is today – change the world today. Only by embracing joy, love, and one another will tomorrow become brighter and we can make that all happen today just by embracing the good gifts we have been given and drawing ourselves away from the hurts and pains of life, take that step with me into a brighter today and a better tomorrow for our loved ones.

A bit of inspiration hopefully, Tommie Lee Roberts (a.k.a. Pup)

Yet again I’ve I’ve been drawn away from my blog by the every day occurrences of Iraq. Lately I’ve been trying to jot down all my ideas about politics and government, story ideas, and keep up with work. On the bright side I did sign off my leave counseling statement a few days ago which means it is only a few weeks left to go.

In addition to getting ready for leave and redeployment now I got to get my stuff ready to change rooms. That means narrowing down the crap that I have somehow managed to gather during this deployment to what I actually intend to keep, shipping home the additions to my book collection and mail my keyboard home.

But back on track and in large in Iraq. Work is just as slow and busy as usual. Long shifts of the same thing day in and day out; however, it is much better than going out of the wire I suppose. All I know is that it’ll be a much needed break to finally come home for a little while. Still no date as of yet, be then again I couldn’t say anything about it anyways due to operational security.

Alas it is already after four in the morning and I still have to get up in the morning to pull internet guard. Not exactly crazy entertaining but it gets me away from the usual dilly dally of the work routine. Have a wonderful day and take care of yourselves!

Out of ideas and exhausted as hell, Tommie Lee Roberts (a.k.a. Pup)

So yea, as the title so obviously puts it I am currently on a “Heroes” roll. Between yesterday and today I’ve watched 6 of the 7 discs for the first season and am currently starting the seventh. If you haven’t already I suggest watching it, the show has a darn good story line and to me shows that we should be more accepting of those different then us.

In addition I just wanted to say that things aren’t going too badly here; however, I wanted to let everyone know to be careful. Yet again I have a bad feeling and the last time that happened one of my aunts houses got washed away by Ike, not to mention the several occasions before that incident. 

Remember to keep those that you love close and hold faith in anything and everything that you do. There is a plan for all of us and the only thing we can do is to try and achieve that plan to the best of our abilities.

Tommie Lee Roberts (a.k.a. Pup)